denial – Pacific Northwest Empty Nester

I just want to tell all of you parents with freshmen that are moving to the dorms – “ it’s going to be OK”

I promise you everything‘s going to work out. I really wish I had “ this is going to be OK wine to send to all of you”

This is a big deal and an intense and overwhelming experience for your students and for yourselves.

Many of you have never been apart from your kid and that can be anxiety producing, scary and overwhelming.

(I know it was for me)

But I promise even though some of them might become homesick, they will find their people and they will be OK.

I was told many times that I needed to trust the process and they were right.

The hardest part for me was not talking with, texting with or connecting with my kid every single day.

“ is he OK?”
“ is he eating OK?”
“ is he making new friends?”
“ is he homesick”
“ is he handling his classes OK?”
“ what if he hates his roommate?”
“ what if he goes downtown to Portland and there’s a riot”
“ what if he gets drunk?”
“ what if he gets Covid??”

Those were just a small pittance of questions that would run through my mind especially at night. I need to drive myself crazy with a worry.

I had to find my new normal and you will too – and because of Covid my kid was home for over a year to do online classes and now he’s moved out and back in the dorms full-time and I have to find my new normal all over again.

With your kid away at college The dynamics of your family will change.

It’s OK to be sad. It’s OK to not know what your purpose is . If you are an empty-nester now I feel you.

I myself am going through empty- nest syndrome and it sucks.

What I’m learning through therapy (oh yes hi I’m seeing a therapist every other week to talk about all the stuff) is that this whole separation/independence is how it supposed to work. And that we have all sacrificed and worked very very hard to get our kids to this point in life and we are successfully launching them.

So again I’m gonna tell you “ it’s going to be OK” all of the stuff is going work out.

I got you. ❤️

Take a deep breath and say it with me:

“ it’s going to be OK”

My mom and only surviving parent was diagnosed with cancer in late 2020 during the pandemic. We couldn’t see her until vaccines had been sorted and administered, once vaccinated I joined my sister as caregivers until her death in late 2021. During this time my kid accompanied me on those trips to my mom’s and was with me (college was online due to Covid) until she died. It was intense, brutal – cancer is unforgiving.

After her death we began processing what we we had experienced during her battle with cancer. Disbelief, denial, anger, and profound grief.

In early 2022 my partner became gravely ill and just about bought the farm. Another incredibly scary, stressful situation. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. My kid was at home and we journeyed through this together, navigating my husband and his dad’s recovery. It was a lot, and there were lots of conversations revolving around the return full time to the university.

Admittedly I ignored those conversations because I was in denial about a lot of things, and that was just one more thing I didn’t want to pile onto my already full plate.

And then the day came- he moved out. this time permanently, to finish his undergrad degree. To spread his wings, and do those things that college kids are supposed to do. Because of Covid he had a lot of catching up to do. The timing was just bad – for me. Selfishly for me.

We all had this new normal to embrace, accept, and navigate through. I personally wasn’t prepared for the profound grief. The deep sadness is overwhelming. I am feeling empty. I feel adrift, like a sail boat with no rudder or sail. I am worried and feeling fearful. I have no idea what life going forward is going to be like.

Walking down the hallway and passing his darkened room causes my eyes to become wet. Sometimes I find myself standing in his room just breathing in the smells of him. He doesn’t love her anymore, and the dynamics of our family has changed. We are no longer that intact unit if 3. Yes he’s still our son, he will always be my baby. But it’s time to fly, he is going to thrive, and he’s striving for independence, and these are all wonderful things.

So now after everything I’ve read I am experiencing the 5 stages of grief. My thoughts tell me I am processing my mom dying, my husbands illness, and my son moving out all at the same time.

These feelings are just a lot. I find my eyes welling up with tears for no explainable reason. I remind myself that reaching out to call or text my kid at my whim isn’t a good idea- he needs space to acclimate to his new normal. He’s got a lot to figure out in this big ole world.

I guess I’ll see where this takes me.

Tag: denial

It’s going to be OK

Those 5 pesky stages of grief