My mom and only surviving parent was diagnosed with cancer in late 2020 during the pandemic. We couldn’t see her until vaccines had been sorted and administered, once vaccinated I joined my sister as caregivers until her death in late 2021. During this time my kid accompanied me on those trips to my mom’s and was with me (college was online due to Covid) until she died. It was intense, brutal – cancer is unforgiving.
After her death we began processing what we we had experienced during her battle with cancer. Disbelief, denial, anger, and profound grief.
In early 2022 my partner became gravely ill and just about bought the farm. Another incredibly scary, stressful situation. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. My kid was at home and we journeyed through this together, navigating my husband and his dad’s recovery. It was a lot, and there were lots of conversations revolving around the return full time to the university.
Admittedly I ignored those conversations because I was in denial about a lot of things, and that was just one more thing I didn’t want to pile onto my already full plate.
And then the day came- he moved out. this time permanently, to finish his undergrad degree. To spread his wings, and do those things that college kids are supposed to do. Because of Covid he had a lot of catching up to do. The timing was just bad – for me. Selfishly for me.
We all had this new normal to embrace, accept, and navigate through. I personally wasn’t prepared for the profound grief. The deep sadness is overwhelming. I am feeling empty. I feel adrift, like a sail boat with no rudder or sail. I am worried and feeling fearful. I have no idea what life going forward is going to be like.
Walking down the hallway and passing his darkened room causes my eyes to become wet. Sometimes I find myself standing in his room just breathing in the smells of him. He doesn’t love her anymore, and the dynamics of our family has changed. We are no longer that intact unit if 3. Yes he’s still our son, he will always be my baby. But it’s time to fly, he is going to thrive, and he’s striving for independence, and these are all wonderful things.
So now after everything I’ve read I am experiencing the 5 stages of grief. My thoughts tell me I am processing my mom dying, my husbands illness, and my son moving out all at the same time.
These feelings are just a lot. I find my eyes welling up with tears for no explainable reason. I remind myself that reaching out to call or text my kid at my whim isn’t a good idea- he needs space to acclimate to his new normal. He’s got a lot to figure out in this big ole world.
I guess I’ll see where this takes me.
Pacific Northwest Empty Nester 